just another day in... paradise?

I have a good life. A husband that loves me, a daughter that looks up to me, a friend that is there when I need him. So why am I not as happy as I feel like I should be?

Sean and I are good together I think. Im not really... UNhappy. I just sometimes get... bored.. I guess. Sean's job makes him so tired that he is no fun at all when he gets home. He just sits there on the couch and falls asleep. Sometimes he will make it through an entire show with me... mostly not though. We never really do anything. We used to before jon moved in. We would stay up late playing cards and laughing and having fun. We would take showers together, we would bond.... now he is just an empty shell of the man I fell in love with.. its killing me. I cant say anything becuase its not his fault. Its his job... I just wish that I had known this was how it was going to be. Because I honestly feel like I have lost my best friend. We dont really get along as well as we used to because I am just not as happy as I used to be. And he is just not the same person I used to know... its really upsetting. I dont know what to do anymore. :( And I cant talk to him about it or argue about anything because ever since jon moved in I am a prisoner in my own home. I am so depressed. I feel... stuck.

cutting ties

Today I made the decision that I am severing ties with all the negativity in my life. Including negative thoughts, negative actions, and most importantly negative people. I am too good of a person to be continually brought down by people and their drama. I do right by others, I tell the truth. I help anyone who needs it. And I always do whatever I can to be who everyone else wants me to be or thinks that I should be. But you know what?... Im done. Because the people that matter love me for everything that I am and everything that I am not. I have a great support group. Sean stands by me through thick and thin and I know nothing will ever break us. And jonathon is such an amazing friend, he always cheers me up when I am down. And Savannah, well, all she has to do is look at me and say mama and I just melt. They are the reason that I am strong. They are the reason to live my life the way I need to live it. The way it should be lived. And that concludes the end of todays deep thoughts with Ashley. Stay tuned as I ride this crazy coaster we call life. Love it.

just one of those days.

So I had to get up at an UNGODLY hour to take Sean to work. When I got home I thought that I would have at least two to three hours to sleep in before Savannah woke up. However I was sorely mistaken. She woke up early and has been hell on earth ALL day. All she wants to do is whine and scream and cry and I am honestly at my wits end right about now. And its yet another duty night which I am quickly getting sick of. I never fully understood how hard it was to be married to someone in the military. Its honestly the hardest thing in the world that I have encountered so far in my life. I dont know how people do it. I am just doing my best to stay strong for my family but its so hard when every fiber in my body is ready to give in some days. I feel like I am a single parent again. Not having my husband with me makes my whole heart ache. But I know that I have to just hang in there and one day we will look back on this days and laugh. I love him so much.

Not a lot tonight.

Had a fabulous night tonight. Life just keeps getting better and better. I have the best family and the most incredible husband in the world. Im about to get some shut eye but tomorrow I promise there will be a nice long blog posted cause its a duty night. :)

Deep thoughts with Ashley

I am a true believer in the idea that we are always learning. Recently I have learned that people are not always what they seem. They are constantly surprising you, some times in good ways, sometimes not. But you just have to go with it. Follow your gut, sometimes your heart... and be true to yourself even when others cant be true to you! 

AWESOME DAY

Today was amazing. My husband took the baby so I could stay in bed and relax because I didnt feel well and I had friends from my past get back in touch with me. I feel... normal again. :) and I like it. I am happier tonight then I have been in a long time. Things have been so great. I have such an incredible life. The best family I could ever have hoped for and people that care about me even if I forget it. 


This sunday Sean and Savannah and I are going to my moms for dinner. I cant wait. I have missed my mom so much. 


I cant believe how happy I am right now. 

fail.

Today has really not been my day. I feel like I am failing as a friend, a mother, and a wife... basically everything that I hold dear. I made sean mad today, raised my voice at a nine month old that doesnt know what I was talking about. And now I am laying next to my husband in bed and even though he is snoring away I can feel that something is different. Ever since our fight about his lying got resolved we have been so perfect. Making love more then ever.. and WAY more passionately then ever. And we have fallen asleep entangled in eachothers arms and havent missed an opportunity for a hug or kiss. But today I feel like I put us back at square one. And I feel like a big stupid idiot. :/ 

starting over.

So after a long and painful weekend sean and I decided that if we were going to continue on in this marriage we needed to put the past behind us and look towards only the future. So even though its not going to be easy we are making a fresh start. With love and faith in each other I believe whole heartedly that we can make this work and be insanely happy together forever. And suprisingly having sean's best friend come and live with us is turning out to be a help to our marriage rather then a strain on it which everyone warned me it could be. He is quickly becoming one of my closest friends and someone that I can vent to and be myself around and thats a nice thing to have. Its also nice to have the extra help around the house and with savannah especially when sean is on duty every three nights. So now that the drama is over and done with I am going to start using my blog as a daily reflection. Whats happened that day, random thoughts and feelings I get, funny events or people I saw that day.. you get the idea. Anyways, I am happy to have the bad days behind me at least for now and I am looking forward to a bright future ahead with a man that loves and adores me. :)

I dont even know

So basically the scoop is that Sean and I had a huge fight. I packed a bag and wanted to leave SO badly and never look back. My faith in love is shattered and my trust has been destroyed. I feel sick all the time. But I didnt leave. Because marriage isnt something that you can just walk away from. So I am here trying to fix it. But I feel so empty. I am so depressed. All I want to do is sleep. I get no joy from seeing my friends, watching my favorite shows, or even playing with savannah. I just want to crawl into a hole and die. I dont know what to do. I want things to be ok. I want to feel the same way that I used to feel when my husband looked at me and smiled... but it all feels cheap now. I hate it. I hate not having the will to laugh. And on top of it all I have to see Don tomorrow. I feel like I am going to throw up just thinking about it. Honestly I feel like my life right now could not get any harder. I just want everything to go away. I want it to be over... I want it all to be over...

Things that bug me.

In case you couldnt tell from the title of this very witty blog.. this post is going to be a long list of shit that pisses me off. ok here goes...

1. My husband playing stupid games. (video, computer, facebook... )
2. Being constantly reminded of how many girls my husband fucked before he got with me.
3. My grandma calling me 87 times a day.
4. Judgemental people.
5. Annoying kids
6. people that dont know how to be a parents.
7. "friends" that talk shit
8. people that give me dirty looks when I am out with my daughter.
9. People that think they are gangster when they clearly are not.
10. Sales people that wont leave you alone.
11. The words "moist" and "curds"
12. Being called a stoner.. when I dont do drugs.
13. Alcoholics
14. When my house is messy RIGHT after I clean it.
15. Laundry.
16. Fruit flies.
17. when soda gets flat before I finish it
18. losing card games
19. when someone acts all upset and then you ask whats wrong and they say "nothin"
20. when people talk like snooki
21. the color "salmon"
22. when the computer goes slow
23. people that work in customer service that clearly hate people.
24. when people correct my grammar or spelling (IDGAF)
25. when people do something "for you" and then hold it over your head
26. Obama
27. obamas mother (for giving birth to obama)
28. people that cant sing that sing loudly in the car
29. Jersey shore
30. people that watch jersey shore

thats it for now... I gotta go put my little gremlin to bed. Subscribe to read more of the thoughts from my epic mind.

Time to Rant

So today has been beyond frustrating. Getting yanked around at the college just trying to get started for fall quarter, got home and felt sick to my stomach all day. Cleaned, cooked, and then fought with my husband. Rawr. And on top of that I am two weeks late. So either Im pregnant again or something is really wrong with my body cause I am never late. So I am so stressed. Sean is working stupid long hours and its a huge strain on a new marriage... I wish I had been more mentally prepared for this before reality hit but I was stuck in that whirlwind romance phase and didnt think about the fact that I was basically going to be a single parent again. Its not seans fault. I know that he is tired when he gets home from work. I know that he works SO hard to support our family. But sometimes I dont think he realizes that I work hard too. By the end of the day I am SO DRAINED that I feel like I am going to burst into tears and he comes home from work and doesnt wanna do anything. If I ask him to help he will but never happily and never without having to be asked. And its very frustrating. I am honestly scared for our marriage at times. I feel like I am not being heard or respected. I feel like he always says that things will change but they dont and I feel like its WAYYYY too early in our marriage to ALREADY be arguing about things. I dont know.. I know that I love him so much and I do believe that we can make this marriage work. I just dont want to be the only one trying. And I dont want to be alone in everything which lately I feel like I am. I honestly just wanna lay down and cry all night... I feel like everything I try to do to move forward in my life just backfires in my face. I feel so alone here. I miss my family and I miss my friends but I never seem to see them anymore and i just want a break every now and again. But I know that its all part of being a mother and a navy wife. Its something that I am going to have to survive and get through... I just hope I am strong enough to get through it all.. I really hope I am.

I just sometimes feel like sean wasnt quite ready for the life he signed up for. A baby and a wife... responsibilities that dont end when you clock out at the end of the day. it makes me scared. scared that I will be stuck doing it alone.. or that he will do it for me and not because its what he wants. and scared more than anything that savannah will suffer for it. I think it may be a good idea to look into counseling. I think it might help... I have a friend out here that is married with 7 children and she told me that it would be a good idea to get counseling because honestly being married to the navy is hard.


               

Duty Night

So its official.. I am married. My past is behind me and the future is BRIGHT. Savannah has a wonderful family that is complete. (and between you and me might be becoming even MORE complete here soon as my husband and I try for a little bro or sis for vanna) Needless to say I am one happy camper. I finally feel like all the hardships I had to go through to get to where I am have been worth it. Everything is finally coming all together to give me and my daughter the happy ending we deserve. :)

So to catch you up on what has been going on in my life... Sean and I were in wisconsin and we got married there with his family and friends which made my family a bit upset but they got over it. Upon our arrival back home we moved into our new apartment which has been great. Savannah LOVES having her own room and space to crawl around and get into everything. She is nine months old now and getting more and more mobile everyday. She will be walking soon I just know it. :) She is also cutting THREE teeth.. at once. So that has been a challenge for everyone. I find myself losing my patience at times but I am lucky I am not in it alone anymore.

I feel really blessed for the positive changes that have been happening in my life. Sean wants to legally adopt savannah so now we are going through that process and its going to be hard because it means dealing with her sperm donor but its worth it in the end to never have to worry about him being in her life at all ever again. Not that he would ever try...

I am starting at a new college next month and I am a little nervous about that. Especially if I am pregnant which is still up in the air. But I know that I can do anything that I put my mind to it. I have more self confidence now then I ever have before and I love it.

written in the stars

when i was a little girl my mom used to tell me that the stars were magic. and that if you laid beneath them and wished really hard that all your problems would melt away.

then when i was a bit older my family suffered a difficult loss when my great grandfather was taken from us. I was 6 years old and he was my hero. I started to cry the night of his funeral and my mom took my hand and told me to look at the stars. "see that one right there?", she asked me pointing to the brightest one she could find, "great grandpa put that there just for you to remind you that you are never alone. That even from heaven he loves you and is looking out for you."

Well as the years passed and my innocence was slowly taken by the world around me, the stars lost their magic. The wonder that had once filled my heart at the sight of the night sky was replaced by a feeling of insigificance. The stars used to remind me of my place in the world... now they remind me that I dont know what that place is.

Sometimes I feel as if no one on this earth understands me, sometimes I wonder if anyone knows who I truly am. I dont think that they do. And to be honest I am not sure if anyone would like me if they did know.

Sure I seem so put together on the outside. A mother of a beautiful little girl, a new bride to a great man, about to move into a new home and start a new life with my family. To everyone on the outside looking in I am living the dream. But they dont know... they dont know that I am terrified to mess up, scared that my feelings of inadaquecy will be proven right. Every step that I take, I second guess. I never feel as though I am good enough.. and the harder I push myself the more I feel I fall behind. I am a mess. A beautiful disaster floating around in a life that sometimes doesnt feel like my own.

There are times that I look in the mirror and expect to see a little girl in braids playing house. But instead I am faced with a woman struggling to find her own identity in the midst of all the roles she is playing. Some days everything is so easy, there is laughter and smiles and love that I can feel to my core. But then there are days where the things that I hold dearest to me are the things that I feel most distanced from. Days where the words I love you seem to fade into the silence like a mundane sentence about the weather, days where even in the arms of the man I have given my heart to, I still feel alone...

I wish that I could explain it. I wish that I knew why I feel the way I do. Sometimes I feel there must be something wrong with me. I am such an actress. Putting on a brave face day to day, pretending I have all the confidence in the world... meanwhile shivering inside waiting for everything I have worked so hard for to crumble around me. I know its wrong.. I know that no matter what happens in my life I have the best daughter in the world and a man that has sworn before his family and God to love me even in the worst of times. But with half of all marriages ending in divorce is it any wonder I worry?

I know that without Sean my life would mean so little. I would still have Savannah but I would have no one to share it all with. No one to laugh with and cry with and watch her grow up with. I want to believe that he will never leave me... that we will be the few percent that DO live happily ever after. How can my heart believe it so much... and yet have so many fears? Whatever the reason I do know ONE thing for certain... Sean must be nuts to have married someone so completely certifiable. But I love the man.

Thats all tonight folks... hope I entertained you for the 5 minutes it took to read this. And next time you look at the stars I hope that you will think of them the way we all did when we were 5 years old.. so big and bright and full of potential. Night everyone. =D

A good day

Today was a great day. I finalized my contract for my new job as a nanny. I am really excited to start because not only will I be able to support my daughter and I, but its also a rare position that allows me to bring Savannah with me. Which is good because I couldnt bare to leave her all day. 

Easter was last weekend and I got to spend some much needed time with my mom and my little brother. I see him getting bigger and I remember when he was savannahs age and it occurs to me... Savannah will be 9 years old one day too. Its such an incredible thing to think about because I already see her growing up so fast and developing her own little personality and it brings so many emotions. I am so beyond happy that she is a happy healthy child. But at the same time it makes me sad that she is growing up so quickly. I want to cherish every second with her that I can. Even though the waking up early and the cranky  times and the financial struggles are hard... I know that one day Ill wake up and she will be 5 years old and off to school and Ill long for the days where she woke up in the middle of the night and just wanted to cuddle with momma. Even now as she sleeps in her crib I have to fight the urge to go look at her every 2 minutes... It never ceases to amaze me just how much I love this little girl. 

Its days like today that give me hope for the future. I know that things wont be easy.. I know that for a long time I will struggle. I will have to work my butt off, learn to stretch a dollar, and go without the luxuries I have been used to most my life... like cable, or new clothes for myself. But in the end its worth it. Its worth the sacrifice, I wouldnt have it any other way.. and every time my little girl smiles at me I know that she loves me just as much as I love her... And thats enough to get me through any hard time. 

Savannah Rae... Your mom loves you. And you will always know that... ill make sure of that. 

4am... again

Why hello there 4am? It seems like its been forever since we have been united... almost 24 hours!

Im not entirely sure why my child has decided that this is the perfect time to wake up EVERY MORNING THIS WEEK... but I can tell you right now... she is grounded for prom.

Being a mother is amazing... but sometimes it really leaves me feeling like I am at the end of my rapidly fraying rope just waiting for every ounce of my inner strength to give out on me. I am mentally, pyshically, and emotionally exhausted. I have to remind myself everyday, multiple times a day that I AM strong and that I can be patient. I know that I am a great mom, I love my daughter more than anything in this entire world and I am doing everything I can to raise her right... I know I can do it.. its just really hard to do it alone.

And lately alone is how I have been feeling. I see movies like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and it makes me sad because I honestly dont have any friends that I am close with. There is no one in my life that I know that if I needed something I could count on. Frankly all the people in my life that I would call my friends, dont treat me like friends whatsoever. They use me for my money, my car, and basically anything else they can get out of me. I remember the days of imaginary friends and I wish that I could go back and relive that. I wish that I had at least ONE real true friend that is always there for me no matter what... I guess you cant always get what you want. At least I know that I will always have my daughter by side.

Wishing I could sleep

Savannah had a rough night tonight... fought sleep for a long time. Now she is finally cozied up in her crib asleep... so why am I still laying here in bed awake? I suppose it has alot to do with the fact that I have been feeling a bit down the last few days. I feel like my life is at a stand still. I have always been the kind of person that wants things to happen the way I want in the time that I want... but life always seems to get in the way. I am stuck in limbo waiting for school to start and waiting to find a job and waiting to get money saved up... I feel like the waiting will never end. All I want is to get my life going so that I can get Savannah's life more stable in a home of our own and being independent of my family. Even though I am so thankful that my family has been so supportive and I know that I am a good mom and that I am doing the best that I can. I just wish that time could move more quickly... I wish that I had something more insightful and uplifting to write tonight but I am exhausted and I dont really have much to say! ahaha... however. I am sure I can come up with something witty and charming later this week. Perhaps if I had a band of loyal followers I would write more.... wink wink.

Whats it all about?

I hear Savannah stirring in her crib, I know it will only be a matter of minutes before she wakes completely. Reluctantly I drag myself out of my warm, cozy bed and take the trip down the hall to the kitchen, which when you first wake up seems a whole lot longer then it actually is. I glance at the clock on the microwave as I prepare her bottle: 4:23am. I rub my eyes in hopes that it will help to wake me up a bit, and take the bottle back to my room. As I open the door I can hear her babbling to herself and it brings a smile to my face. Even in the midst of exhaustion that sound can pull me right out of it. I pick her up and hold her tight. She smiles at me and we rock and sing. She starts to close her little eyes and I follow right behind, leaning my head back and letting my thoughts run wild.

I think about where I am in life and how far I have had to come in such a short amount of time. I know that everything I have been through has made me the person that I am now, the mother that I am. And yet, looking back on it all and remembering every moment of the journey, I am filled with emotions that I try so hard to repress my attempts at doing so are futile this morning so I let them overcome me. I remember every smile, every tear. Every heartbreaking, inspiring moment of the past year.

My daughter is five months old now. But I remember very clearly the moment I found out that I was going to be a mother. I sat in shock in a bathroom stall in an Arby's restaraunt. My first thought was "what am I going to do?", followed shortly by "I need to vomit." I was 19 years old with my whole life in front of me. I was barely taking care of myself and now I was supposed to take care of something as helpless as a baby? My best friend held my hand and told me that it was going to be ok... that everything happened for a reason. And all I could think was "what could possibly be the reason for this?"

As weeks passed the initial shock of the situation wore off and I began to actually believe that everything WOULD be ok. I held on to the fact that I wasnt alone. Even though the father of my baby had told me that he wanted nothing to do with me OR her, and even though I had no relationship with my mother and a long distance one with my father, I knew I had my child.. and that was reason enough to stay strong. That strength was tested when I was put on bedrest and lost my job and my apartment. I was broke, homeless, and scared. Luckily I have loving grandparents that took me in no questions asked. Around the time that all this was happening I met "him".

His name was Casey and he made me feel like no one ever had before. When I was with him my life made sense. It wasnt long before I fell completely and totally in love with him. We had something that I thought would last forever. Casey stayed by me throughout my entire pregnancy. Attended every doctors appointment and hospital stay. He held my hand as I was told I was having a baby girl, and he helped me pick out her name. We moved in together and he even set up her room with me. He told me everyday how excited he was to be a family. Then one day, about a week before I had Savannah, he told me that it didnt feel right and that I needed to move out. I had never felt that level of pain in my life. I was destroyed beyond repair. I spent that entire week in bed crying... I moved back in with my grandparents and tried to look forward to the birth of my daughter but somehow he had even brought sadness to what should have been the happiest moments of my life. Looking back on that, I still dont know how I survived emotionally. I had thought that he was my Prince Charming, my forever. But I did get through it, I managed to reach out to my mother and she was there for me for the birth of Savannah. I wasnt alone.

And the second that the nurse placed her in my arms I knew that any feeling of love I had had for Casey was nothing compared to the love I felt for this little girl. I knew that everything that had happened in my life leading up to this moment was over. It was my past and I wouldnt look back. I had my future in my arms and that was all that mattered. After I brought her home things fell back into place. I enrolled in college and focused all my energy on being the best mother that I can be...

I open my eyes now as I hear Savannah snoring softly in my arms. I know that she is fast asleep and I can finally put her back in her crib. I gently kiss her forehead and lay her down and crawl back into my bed. My last thoughts before I drift back off to sleep is that sometimes you think that happily ever after is found in someone else... when in reality it comes from within. My happily ever after was the moment I reached deep within myself and found a strength and a will to get through that I had never known was there. And when I found this strength I realized that my forever doesnt begin with a handsome prince... it begins with a beautiful little princess. :)