Deep thoughts with Ashley

I am a true believer in the idea that we are always learning. Recently I have learned that people are not always what they seem. They are constantly surprising you, some times in good ways, sometimes not. But you just have to go with it. Follow your gut, sometimes your heart... and be true to yourself even when others cant be true to you! 

AWESOME DAY

Today was amazing. My husband took the baby so I could stay in bed and relax because I didnt feel well and I had friends from my past get back in touch with me. I feel... normal again. :) and I like it. I am happier tonight then I have been in a long time. Things have been so great. I have such an incredible life. The best family I could ever have hoped for and people that care about me even if I forget it. 


This sunday Sean and Savannah and I are going to my moms for dinner. I cant wait. I have missed my mom so much. 


I cant believe how happy I am right now. 

fail.

Today has really not been my day. I feel like I am failing as a friend, a mother, and a wife... basically everything that I hold dear. I made sean mad today, raised my voice at a nine month old that doesnt know what I was talking about. And now I am laying next to my husband in bed and even though he is snoring away I can feel that something is different. Ever since our fight about his lying got resolved we have been so perfect. Making love more then ever.. and WAY more passionately then ever. And we have fallen asleep entangled in eachothers arms and havent missed an opportunity for a hug or kiss. But today I feel like I put us back at square one. And I feel like a big stupid idiot. :/ 

starting over.

So after a long and painful weekend sean and I decided that if we were going to continue on in this marriage we needed to put the past behind us and look towards only the future. So even though its not going to be easy we are making a fresh start. With love and faith in each other I believe whole heartedly that we can make this work and be insanely happy together forever. And suprisingly having sean's best friend come and live with us is turning out to be a help to our marriage rather then a strain on it which everyone warned me it could be. He is quickly becoming one of my closest friends and someone that I can vent to and be myself around and thats a nice thing to have. Its also nice to have the extra help around the house and with savannah especially when sean is on duty every three nights. So now that the drama is over and done with I am going to start using my blog as a daily reflection. Whats happened that day, random thoughts and feelings I get, funny events or people I saw that day.. you get the idea. Anyways, I am happy to have the bad days behind me at least for now and I am looking forward to a bright future ahead with a man that loves and adores me. :)

I dont even know

So basically the scoop is that Sean and I had a huge fight. I packed a bag and wanted to leave SO badly and never look back. My faith in love is shattered and my trust has been destroyed. I feel sick all the time. But I didnt leave. Because marriage isnt something that you can just walk away from. So I am here trying to fix it. But I feel so empty. I am so depressed. All I want to do is sleep. I get no joy from seeing my friends, watching my favorite shows, or even playing with savannah. I just want to crawl into a hole and die. I dont know what to do. I want things to be ok. I want to feel the same way that I used to feel when my husband looked at me and smiled... but it all feels cheap now. I hate it. I hate not having the will to laugh. And on top of it all I have to see Don tomorrow. I feel like I am going to throw up just thinking about it. Honestly I feel like my life right now could not get any harder. I just want everything to go away. I want it to be over... I want it all to be over...

Things that bug me.

In case you couldnt tell from the title of this very witty blog.. this post is going to be a long list of shit that pisses me off. ok here goes...

1. My husband playing stupid games. (video, computer, facebook... )
2. Being constantly reminded of how many girls my husband fucked before he got with me.
3. My grandma calling me 87 times a day.
4. Judgemental people.
5. Annoying kids
6. people that dont know how to be a parents.
7. "friends" that talk shit
8. people that give me dirty looks when I am out with my daughter.
9. People that think they are gangster when they clearly are not.
10. Sales people that wont leave you alone.
11. The words "moist" and "curds"
12. Being called a stoner.. when I dont do drugs.
13. Alcoholics
14. When my house is messy RIGHT after I clean it.
15. Laundry.
16. Fruit flies.
17. when soda gets flat before I finish it
18. losing card games
19. when someone acts all upset and then you ask whats wrong and they say "nothin"
20. when people talk like snooki
21. the color "salmon"
22. when the computer goes slow
23. people that work in customer service that clearly hate people.
24. when people correct my grammar or spelling (IDGAF)
25. when people do something "for you" and then hold it over your head
26. Obama
27. obamas mother (for giving birth to obama)
28. people that cant sing that sing loudly in the car
29. Jersey shore
30. people that watch jersey shore

thats it for now... I gotta go put my little gremlin to bed. Subscribe to read more of the thoughts from my epic mind.

Time to Rant

So today has been beyond frustrating. Getting yanked around at the college just trying to get started for fall quarter, got home and felt sick to my stomach all day. Cleaned, cooked, and then fought with my husband. Rawr. And on top of that I am two weeks late. So either Im pregnant again or something is really wrong with my body cause I am never late. So I am so stressed. Sean is working stupid long hours and its a huge strain on a new marriage... I wish I had been more mentally prepared for this before reality hit but I was stuck in that whirlwind romance phase and didnt think about the fact that I was basically going to be a single parent again. Its not seans fault. I know that he is tired when he gets home from work. I know that he works SO hard to support our family. But sometimes I dont think he realizes that I work hard too. By the end of the day I am SO DRAINED that I feel like I am going to burst into tears and he comes home from work and doesnt wanna do anything. If I ask him to help he will but never happily and never without having to be asked. And its very frustrating. I am honestly scared for our marriage at times. I feel like I am not being heard or respected. I feel like he always says that things will change but they dont and I feel like its WAYYYY too early in our marriage to ALREADY be arguing about things. I dont know.. I know that I love him so much and I do believe that we can make this marriage work. I just dont want to be the only one trying. And I dont want to be alone in everything which lately I feel like I am. I honestly just wanna lay down and cry all night... I feel like everything I try to do to move forward in my life just backfires in my face. I feel so alone here. I miss my family and I miss my friends but I never seem to see them anymore and i just want a break every now and again. But I know that its all part of being a mother and a navy wife. Its something that I am going to have to survive and get through... I just hope I am strong enough to get through it all.. I really hope I am.

I just sometimes feel like sean wasnt quite ready for the life he signed up for. A baby and a wife... responsibilities that dont end when you clock out at the end of the day. it makes me scared. scared that I will be stuck doing it alone.. or that he will do it for me and not because its what he wants. and scared more than anything that savannah will suffer for it. I think it may be a good idea to look into counseling. I think it might help... I have a friend out here that is married with 7 children and she told me that it would be a good idea to get counseling because honestly being married to the navy is hard.


               

Duty Night

So its official.. I am married. My past is behind me and the future is BRIGHT. Savannah has a wonderful family that is complete. (and between you and me might be becoming even MORE complete here soon as my husband and I try for a little bro or sis for vanna) Needless to say I am one happy camper. I finally feel like all the hardships I had to go through to get to where I am have been worth it. Everything is finally coming all together to give me and my daughter the happy ending we deserve. :)

So to catch you up on what has been going on in my life... Sean and I were in wisconsin and we got married there with his family and friends which made my family a bit upset but they got over it. Upon our arrival back home we moved into our new apartment which has been great. Savannah LOVES having her own room and space to crawl around and get into everything. She is nine months old now and getting more and more mobile everyday. She will be walking soon I just know it. :) She is also cutting THREE teeth.. at once. So that has been a challenge for everyone. I find myself losing my patience at times but I am lucky I am not in it alone anymore.

I feel really blessed for the positive changes that have been happening in my life. Sean wants to legally adopt savannah so now we are going through that process and its going to be hard because it means dealing with her sperm donor but its worth it in the end to never have to worry about him being in her life at all ever again. Not that he would ever try...

I am starting at a new college next month and I am a little nervous about that. Especially if I am pregnant which is still up in the air. But I know that I can do anything that I put my mind to it. I have more self confidence now then I ever have before and I love it.