A good day

Today was a great day. I finalized my contract for my new job as a nanny. I am really excited to start because not only will I be able to support my daughter and I, but its also a rare position that allows me to bring Savannah with me. Which is good because I couldnt bare to leave her all day. 

Easter was last weekend and I got to spend some much needed time with my mom and my little brother. I see him getting bigger and I remember when he was savannahs age and it occurs to me... Savannah will be 9 years old one day too. Its such an incredible thing to think about because I already see her growing up so fast and developing her own little personality and it brings so many emotions. I am so beyond happy that she is a happy healthy child. But at the same time it makes me sad that she is growing up so quickly. I want to cherish every second with her that I can. Even though the waking up early and the cranky  times and the financial struggles are hard... I know that one day Ill wake up and she will be 5 years old and off to school and Ill long for the days where she woke up in the middle of the night and just wanted to cuddle with momma. Even now as she sleeps in her crib I have to fight the urge to go look at her every 2 minutes... It never ceases to amaze me just how much I love this little girl. 

Its days like today that give me hope for the future. I know that things wont be easy.. I know that for a long time I will struggle. I will have to work my butt off, learn to stretch a dollar, and go without the luxuries I have been used to most my life... like cable, or new clothes for myself. But in the end its worth it. Its worth the sacrifice, I wouldnt have it any other way.. and every time my little girl smiles at me I know that she loves me just as much as I love her... And thats enough to get me through any hard time. 

Savannah Rae... Your mom loves you. And you will always know that... ill make sure of that. 

4am... again

Why hello there 4am? It seems like its been forever since we have been united... almost 24 hours!

Im not entirely sure why my child has decided that this is the perfect time to wake up EVERY MORNING THIS WEEK... but I can tell you right now... she is grounded for prom.

Being a mother is amazing... but sometimes it really leaves me feeling like I am at the end of my rapidly fraying rope just waiting for every ounce of my inner strength to give out on me. I am mentally, pyshically, and emotionally exhausted. I have to remind myself everyday, multiple times a day that I AM strong and that I can be patient. I know that I am a great mom, I love my daughter more than anything in this entire world and I am doing everything I can to raise her right... I know I can do it.. its just really hard to do it alone.

And lately alone is how I have been feeling. I see movies like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and it makes me sad because I honestly dont have any friends that I am close with. There is no one in my life that I know that if I needed something I could count on. Frankly all the people in my life that I would call my friends, dont treat me like friends whatsoever. They use me for my money, my car, and basically anything else they can get out of me. I remember the days of imaginary friends and I wish that I could go back and relive that. I wish that I had at least ONE real true friend that is always there for me no matter what... I guess you cant always get what you want. At least I know that I will always have my daughter by side.

Wishing I could sleep

Savannah had a rough night tonight... fought sleep for a long time. Now she is finally cozied up in her crib asleep... so why am I still laying here in bed awake? I suppose it has alot to do with the fact that I have been feeling a bit down the last few days. I feel like my life is at a stand still. I have always been the kind of person that wants things to happen the way I want in the time that I want... but life always seems to get in the way. I am stuck in limbo waiting for school to start and waiting to find a job and waiting to get money saved up... I feel like the waiting will never end. All I want is to get my life going so that I can get Savannah's life more stable in a home of our own and being independent of my family. Even though I am so thankful that my family has been so supportive and I know that I am a good mom and that I am doing the best that I can. I just wish that time could move more quickly... I wish that I had something more insightful and uplifting to write tonight but I am exhausted and I dont really have much to say! ahaha... however. I am sure I can come up with something witty and charming later this week. Perhaps if I had a band of loyal followers I would write more.... wink wink.

Whats it all about?

I hear Savannah stirring in her crib, I know it will only be a matter of minutes before she wakes completely. Reluctantly I drag myself out of my warm, cozy bed and take the trip down the hall to the kitchen, which when you first wake up seems a whole lot longer then it actually is. I glance at the clock on the microwave as I prepare her bottle: 4:23am. I rub my eyes in hopes that it will help to wake me up a bit, and take the bottle back to my room. As I open the door I can hear her babbling to herself and it brings a smile to my face. Even in the midst of exhaustion that sound can pull me right out of it. I pick her up and hold her tight. She smiles at me and we rock and sing. She starts to close her little eyes and I follow right behind, leaning my head back and letting my thoughts run wild.

I think about where I am in life and how far I have had to come in such a short amount of time. I know that everything I have been through has made me the person that I am now, the mother that I am. And yet, looking back on it all and remembering every moment of the journey, I am filled with emotions that I try so hard to repress my attempts at doing so are futile this morning so I let them overcome me. I remember every smile, every tear. Every heartbreaking, inspiring moment of the past year.

My daughter is five months old now. But I remember very clearly the moment I found out that I was going to be a mother. I sat in shock in a bathroom stall in an Arby's restaraunt. My first thought was "what am I going to do?", followed shortly by "I need to vomit." I was 19 years old with my whole life in front of me. I was barely taking care of myself and now I was supposed to take care of something as helpless as a baby? My best friend held my hand and told me that it was going to be ok... that everything happened for a reason. And all I could think was "what could possibly be the reason for this?"

As weeks passed the initial shock of the situation wore off and I began to actually believe that everything WOULD be ok. I held on to the fact that I wasnt alone. Even though the father of my baby had told me that he wanted nothing to do with me OR her, and even though I had no relationship with my mother and a long distance one with my father, I knew I had my child.. and that was reason enough to stay strong. That strength was tested when I was put on bedrest and lost my job and my apartment. I was broke, homeless, and scared. Luckily I have loving grandparents that took me in no questions asked. Around the time that all this was happening I met "him".

His name was Casey and he made me feel like no one ever had before. When I was with him my life made sense. It wasnt long before I fell completely and totally in love with him. We had something that I thought would last forever. Casey stayed by me throughout my entire pregnancy. Attended every doctors appointment and hospital stay. He held my hand as I was told I was having a baby girl, and he helped me pick out her name. We moved in together and he even set up her room with me. He told me everyday how excited he was to be a family. Then one day, about a week before I had Savannah, he told me that it didnt feel right and that I needed to move out. I had never felt that level of pain in my life. I was destroyed beyond repair. I spent that entire week in bed crying... I moved back in with my grandparents and tried to look forward to the birth of my daughter but somehow he had even brought sadness to what should have been the happiest moments of my life. Looking back on that, I still dont know how I survived emotionally. I had thought that he was my Prince Charming, my forever. But I did get through it, I managed to reach out to my mother and she was there for me for the birth of Savannah. I wasnt alone.

And the second that the nurse placed her in my arms I knew that any feeling of love I had had for Casey was nothing compared to the love I felt for this little girl. I knew that everything that had happened in my life leading up to this moment was over. It was my past and I wouldnt look back. I had my future in my arms and that was all that mattered. After I brought her home things fell back into place. I enrolled in college and focused all my energy on being the best mother that I can be...

I open my eyes now as I hear Savannah snoring softly in my arms. I know that she is fast asleep and I can finally put her back in her crib. I gently kiss her forehead and lay her down and crawl back into my bed. My last thoughts before I drift back off to sleep is that sometimes you think that happily ever after is found in someone else... when in reality it comes from within. My happily ever after was the moment I reached deep within myself and found a strength and a will to get through that I had never known was there. And when I found this strength I realized that my forever doesnt begin with a handsome prince... it begins with a beautiful little princess. :)