Somebody that I used to know

I think that it might actually be ending this time. I really do not know what is going on inside his head but for some reason I feel like the end is near. I thought that I would be more sad about this thought. That is the surprising thing. I feel fine. Actually I feel nothing. I feel absolutely nothing at all. I am losing the man that I thought I would be with forever.. and I don't care. Its not like I don't care about him in general or that I want to break up at all. But my heart is just so damaged that I literally no longer have the ability to feel anything at all. Today he called me names and yelled at me and told me that he didn't want to be around me. And then when I inquired as to why he did not want to be around me he asked, "well why would I want to be around you when you are being a psycho bitch." That is something that I completely do NOT tolerate. AT ALL. I am over it. I think that that comment just completely turned my heart off all together. I refuse to be treated like that once again. I have been with too many people that have spoken to me like that, like I was just a piece of shit that isn't worthy of common decency and respect. I am over it. I am done. He sits there like nothing matters to him and I believe it. I believe that I don't matter to him. I don't know what he is still doing here? I have no emotion anymore. I am dead inside, congrats Brian, you finally killed me. I have been crushed so many damn times and now the camels back has officially been broken and I can not handle any more. Its actually kind of refreshing. Now I never have to worry about being sad or let down anymore because I just expect it so its normal, and I don't care. 

if youre going through hell

Life is incredibly frustrating. I have so many things that I need to get accomplished and not enough time to do them. I am trying to get Savannah enrolled in the daycare at the college and that is proving to be more difficult than expected. I am still waiting to hear from my job to see when they want me to start working. I am in dire need of financial security, I am so sick of being broke its starting to really wear on me. I am constantly stressed out and it is starting to make me sick. Today I threw up blood.. twice. I'm no doctor, but I don't think that is a sign of good health. I am in constant pain because I am pretty sure that I had another cyst rupture. It sure feels like it anyways. Savannah has been a real handful these past few days. It appears I have hit the terrible twos a bit early. So basically that is my life lately. I registered for classes for this quarter and I am going to have classes every day of the week which is somewhat intimidating but I know I can do it. I did a damn good job last quarter and the quarter before that so school I am not very worried about. Its everything else that is concerning me. I am just so worried that I am not going to be able to do it all. I thought that having Caitlin move in with me would make everything easier but its only stressing me out more. She is as broke as I am so she isn't able to pay what we originally agreed on which is frustrating because getting a roommate made it so that Savannah had to lose her room and its not even helping that much. I mean don't get me wrong, I like having her here.. except that she insists on dressing like a slut and I don't really like that since my boyfriend is here too and I would prefer that he doesn't have temptation walking around the house in a shirt that would fit my 1 year old. But oh well... what are ya gonna do? I just have to deal with it. There are a lot of things that I have come to realize that I am just going to have to deal with. A LOT OF THINGS. But I guess that's life. And the truth is that if Brian were to ever cheat on me than he is not the man that I am meant to spend my life with. I just have to have faith that he loves me enough to stay away from that temptation. I mean Caitlin may be hot.. but she is a horrible person sometimes. She is trying to get pregnant right now with a guy that she has barely known a month... and she isn't telling him. She just stopped taking her birth control. And it is really fucked up because he doesn't deserve to be played like that. But then again she is lying to him about everything else so I guess one more thing shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. I guess there are a lot of things that have been starting to really get to me. But its like the song says. If your'e going through hell... keep on going. 

and the games continue

I feel like I am being played with. Like my heart is on a fucking string and is being toyed with and yanked around. One minute everything is wonderful and the next minute I am back at square one. I am sure we have all heard the overly chliched country songs about feeling alone in a crowded room? Well thats exactly how I feel. I feel like I am completely alone and on the outside looking in on what I wish life could be. Is it really that unrealistic to want to feel that same level of happiness and joy that was there when the relationship started? I dont feel like I am asking for too much. I really just want to feel like I am the most important woman in the world to the man that I love. I want to come home and be greeted with a smile and a hug and be wrapped up in the arms that I miss every time that I walk out the door. Instead I am not greeted at all. I am barely acknowledged. I feel like my heart is breaking. I can feel the walls that I fought so hard to break down are being put back up. I feel like if I wanted to cry right now I dont think that I could. I am starting to die emotionally. I dont want to feel anything anymore because every time that I start to feel like things are perfect I get torn down once again. I would rather never feel anything ever again than be stuck on this stupid roller coaster where I am getting broken apart. I just want to be loved the way that I love. I want to be shown every day that I am special and that I was missed when I was gone. I think that I try to do a damn good job of doing that for him. But I feel like I dont matter... and if I even try to talk to him about that I am the bad guy and I risk getting broken up with because he doesnt agree with the way that I feel. And if he doesnt feel a certain way then it must mean that I am wrong. I just dont know what to do anymore. I am heartbroken. I wish that I didnt have a heart. Because no matter what I do or how hard I try I just get hurt. I am so sick of getting hurt. I am so sick of being played with.. I just want to find the one person that I am meant to be with and grow old with them. I thought that I found that finally. I was so sure. Now I am starting to think that I was wrong and that I am just going to be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe it is better that way. Maybe I should leave the walls up.. that way no one can get close enough to break me into pieces anymore. I think that it whats going to happen. I am just going to give up on love... because I am starting to think that no one is capable of love. I give and give and give and I feel like I just keep getting shit on. I just cant stand it anymore. Its always the same. Everything starts off so promising, I let myself get fooled into believing that its the real thing. But what is the "real thing?" Is it feeling like nothing else in the whole wide world matters the second that he looks at you? Is it feeling at home no matter where you are at as long as he is next to you? Is it seeing youre future in his eyes? Getting lost in his smile? Taking in every inch of him and wanting more with every breath? Feeling as though he is the one thing that has always been missing? Because if that is the real thing then damnit I have that. But it all means nothing if it is not given back. It is the most depressing feeling in the whole world. To know that I am so close to everlasting love and happiness but the only thing that is standing in the way is that the person that I have given my whole heart to refuses to give his back? Its so hurtful. I guess I was wrong... I can cry. Because even as I type this out I can feel the tears building up behind my eyes, ready and waiting to spill over down my cheek. I feel as though I can actually feel my heart splitting in half right now. He holds the key that could fix this all.. but he has thrown it out. I am devastated. I just wanna run far away and never look back. I wanna forget that I ever knew what love was.. that I ever got a taste of what life could be like. I wanna forget... but I cant. I cant let go of how I feel. I will hold on until the very end. I will continue to feel like shit because the sad truth is that I am his until he no longer wants me. Which I feel is now. He doesnt even want to talk to me. I have to constantly ask him what is wrong, or why he doesnt want anything to do with me... and his responses are always so crass.. like he doesnt even care that he is killing me. He may as well take a knife and cut my heart out because his carelessness is hurting even worse than a knife or a gun ever could. I have never seen anyone so cold. I gave him my heart, my body, and soul. And in return he makes me feel on top of the world for a day, than rips it our from under me. How can someone find so much pleasure in making me feel worthless? I would do anything for him.. why cant he see that? I would literally take my own life to save his. I would rip out my eyes if it meant he would never have to feel anything but happiness for the rest of his life. I would stand by him through the best and the worst of everything, I would always make sure that he knew that he was the only thing that matters in the world to me. But he doesnt care. He doesnt want that with me I guess.

Starting fresh... again.

I am not really sure what I am supposed to do here. I don't know what I am doing in this situation. Things are so far gone that I don't know if they will ever be the way that they once were. I only know that I am trying my best... but that doesn't seem to be good enough. I constantly feel as though I am on the outside looking in on my own life. I feel like an outsider. I should not be this lonely when I am not alone. But I am. I feel as though time keeps slipping by wasted, like nothing that I do matters, that I do not matter to anyone. I am trying to see this as just a phase that I need to overcome, a negative thought pattern that really isn't true, I'm just seeing it that way because I am depressed. But I am finding that increasingly difficult when I am not getting any positive reinforcement. In fact, every thing that I try to do good for myself or for my family, I get shot down for. I have to go to school, and I have to work. And yet, for some reason, I get shunned for doing so. I don't understand what it is that I am doing so wrong that makes him think that its okay to put me down and make me feel like a bad person. All I ever do is love him and try everything that I possibly can to make him as happy as possible... and all he does is leave all the time and fight with me. I am so sad. I walk around on the verge of tears every day and its really starting to get to me. I am sick of feeling like I am just an annoyance to my own boyfriend who is supposed to love me and support me. I keep giving and giving my love only to be shot down brutally and pushed back to square one all the time. It hurts. And I do not deserve it. I just want to be with someone that loves me unconditionally, that supports me in both good and bad times, that makes me feel happy and beautiful and loved. I work very hard to make sure that he feels loved... and yet its never enough. Nothing that I ever do is ever enough. This relationship is making me depressed, lowering my self esteem, and making me feel like less of a person for doing everything that I am supposed to be doing in my life. This is just wrong. I am so sick of feeling like I don't matter. I am sick of feeling like I don't measure up. I am sick of the double standards, and feeling like I am not wanted. I hate it... and honestly I am starting to hate myself because of this relationship. It makes me so sad because I have never loved anyone this much and it is breaking my heart to think about ending things but what can I do? I don't want to be sad anymore. I just want to be happy... but I am not. I am just not.