and the games continue

I feel like I am being played with. Like my heart is on a fucking string and is being toyed with and yanked around. One minute everything is wonderful and the next minute I am back at square one. I am sure we have all heard the overly chliched country songs about feeling alone in a crowded room? Well thats exactly how I feel. I feel like I am completely alone and on the outside looking in on what I wish life could be. Is it really that unrealistic to want to feel that same level of happiness and joy that was there when the relationship started? I dont feel like I am asking for too much. I really just want to feel like I am the most important woman in the world to the man that I love. I want to come home and be greeted with a smile and a hug and be wrapped up in the arms that I miss every time that I walk out the door. Instead I am not greeted at all. I am barely acknowledged. I feel like my heart is breaking. I can feel the walls that I fought so hard to break down are being put back up. I feel like if I wanted to cry right now I dont think that I could. I am starting to die emotionally. I dont want to feel anything anymore because every time that I start to feel like things are perfect I get torn down once again. I would rather never feel anything ever again than be stuck on this stupid roller coaster where I am getting broken apart. I just want to be loved the way that I love. I want to be shown every day that I am special and that I was missed when I was gone. I think that I try to do a damn good job of doing that for him. But I feel like I dont matter... and if I even try to talk to him about that I am the bad guy and I risk getting broken up with because he doesnt agree with the way that I feel. And if he doesnt feel a certain way then it must mean that I am wrong. I just dont know what to do anymore. I am heartbroken. I wish that I didnt have a heart. Because no matter what I do or how hard I try I just get hurt. I am so sick of getting hurt. I am so sick of being played with.. I just want to find the one person that I am meant to be with and grow old with them. I thought that I found that finally. I was so sure. Now I am starting to think that I was wrong and that I am just going to be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe it is better that way. Maybe I should leave the walls up.. that way no one can get close enough to break me into pieces anymore. I think that it whats going to happen. I am just going to give up on love... because I am starting to think that no one is capable of love. I give and give and give and I feel like I just keep getting shit on. I just cant stand it anymore. Its always the same. Everything starts off so promising, I let myself get fooled into believing that its the real thing. But what is the "real thing?" Is it feeling like nothing else in the whole wide world matters the second that he looks at you? Is it feeling at home no matter where you are at as long as he is next to you? Is it seeing youre future in his eyes? Getting lost in his smile? Taking in every inch of him and wanting more with every breath? Feeling as though he is the one thing that has always been missing? Because if that is the real thing then damnit I have that. But it all means nothing if it is not given back. It is the most depressing feeling in the whole world. To know that I am so close to everlasting love and happiness but the only thing that is standing in the way is that the person that I have given my whole heart to refuses to give his back? Its so hurtful. I guess I was wrong... I can cry. Because even as I type this out I can feel the tears building up behind my eyes, ready and waiting to spill over down my cheek. I feel as though I can actually feel my heart splitting in half right now. He holds the key that could fix this all.. but he has thrown it out. I am devastated. I just wanna run far away and never look back. I wanna forget that I ever knew what love was.. that I ever got a taste of what life could be like. I wanna forget... but I cant. I cant let go of how I feel. I will hold on until the very end. I will continue to feel like shit because the sad truth is that I am his until he no longer wants me. Which I feel is now. He doesnt even want to talk to me. I have to constantly ask him what is wrong, or why he doesnt want anything to do with me... and his responses are always so crass.. like he doesnt even care that he is killing me. He may as well take a knife and cut my heart out because his carelessness is hurting even worse than a knife or a gun ever could. I have never seen anyone so cold. I gave him my heart, my body, and soul. And in return he makes me feel on top of the world for a day, than rips it our from under me. How can someone find so much pleasure in making me feel worthless? I would do anything for him.. why cant he see that? I would literally take my own life to save his. I would rip out my eyes if it meant he would never have to feel anything but happiness for the rest of his life. I would stand by him through the best and the worst of everything, I would always make sure that he knew that he was the only thing that matters in the world to me. But he doesnt care. He doesnt want that with me I guess.