I hear Savannah stirring in her crib, I know it will only be a matter of minutes before she wakes completely. Reluctantly I drag myself out of my warm, cozy bed and take the trip down the hall to the kitchen, which when you first wake up seems a whole lot longer then it actually is. I glance at the clock on the microwave as I prepare her bottle: 4:23am. I rub my eyes in hopes that it will help to wake me up a bit, and take the bottle back to my room. As I open the door I can hear her babbling to herself and it brings a smile to my face. Even in the midst of exhaustion that sound can pull me right out of it. I pick her up and hold her tight. She smiles at me and we rock and sing. She starts to close her little eyes and I follow right behind, leaning my head back and letting my thoughts run wild.
I think about where I am in life and how far I have had to come in such a short amount of time. I know that everything I have been through has made me the person that I am now, the mother that I am. And yet, looking back on it all and remembering every moment of the journey, I am filled with emotions that I try so hard to repress my attempts at doing so are futile this morning so I let them overcome me. I remember every smile, every tear. Every heartbreaking, inspiring moment of the past year.
My daughter is five months old now. But I remember very clearly the moment I found out that I was going to be a mother. I sat in shock in a bathroom stall in an Arby's restaraunt. My first thought was "what am I going to do?", followed shortly by "I need to vomit." I was 19 years old with my whole life in front of me. I was barely taking care of myself and now I was supposed to take care of something as helpless as a baby? My best friend held my hand and told me that it was going to be ok... that everything happened for a reason. And all I could think was "what could possibly be the reason for this?"
As weeks passed the initial shock of the situation wore off and I began to actually believe that everything WOULD be ok. I held on to the fact that I wasnt alone. Even though the father of my baby had told me that he wanted nothing to do with me OR her, and even though I had no relationship with my mother and a long distance one with my father, I knew I had my child.. and that was reason enough to stay strong. That strength was tested when I was put on bedrest and lost my job and my apartment. I was broke, homeless, and scared. Luckily I have loving grandparents that took me in no questions asked. Around the time that all this was happening I met "him".
His name was Casey and he made me feel like no one ever had before. When I was with him my life made sense. It wasnt long before I fell completely and totally in love with him. We had something that I thought would last forever. Casey stayed by me throughout my entire pregnancy. Attended every doctors appointment and hospital stay. He held my hand as I was told I was having a baby girl, and he helped me pick out her name. We moved in together and he even set up her room with me. He told me everyday how excited he was to be a family. Then one day, about a week before I had Savannah, he told me that it didnt feel right and that I needed to move out. I had never felt that level of pain in my life. I was destroyed beyond repair. I spent that entire week in bed crying... I moved back in with my grandparents and tried to look forward to the birth of my daughter but somehow he had even brought sadness to what should have been the happiest moments of my life. Looking back on that, I still dont know how I survived emotionally. I had thought that he was my Prince Charming, my forever. But I did get through it, I managed to reach out to my mother and she was there for me for the birth of Savannah. I wasnt alone.
And the second that the nurse placed her in my arms I knew that any feeling of love I had had for Casey was nothing compared to the love I felt for this little girl. I knew that everything that had happened in my life leading up to this moment was over. It was my past and I wouldnt look back. I had my future in my arms and that was all that mattered. After I brought her home things fell back into place. I enrolled in college and focused all my energy on being the best mother that I can be...
I open my eyes now as I hear Savannah snoring softly in my arms. I know that she is fast asleep and I can finally put her back in her crib. I gently kiss her forehead and lay her down and crawl back into my bed. My last thoughts before I drift back off to sleep is that sometimes you think that happily ever after is found in someone else... when in reality it comes from within. My happily ever after was the moment I reached deep within myself and found a strength and a will to get through that I had never known was there. And when I found this strength I realized that my forever doesnt begin with a handsome prince... it begins with a beautiful little princess. :)
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