when i was a little girl my mom used to tell me that the stars were magic. and that if you laid beneath them and wished really hard that all your problems would melt away.
then when i was a bit older my family suffered a difficult loss when my great grandfather was taken from us. I was 6 years old and he was my hero. I started to cry the night of his funeral and my mom took my hand and told me to look at the stars. "see that one right there?", she asked me pointing to the brightest one she could find, "great grandpa put that there just for you to remind you that you are never alone. That even from heaven he loves you and is looking out for you."
Well as the years passed and my innocence was slowly taken by the world around me, the stars lost their magic. The wonder that had once filled my heart at the sight of the night sky was replaced by a feeling of insigificance. The stars used to remind me of my place in the world... now they remind me that I dont know what that place is.
Sometimes I feel as if no one on this earth understands me, sometimes I wonder if anyone knows who I truly am. I dont think that they do. And to be honest I am not sure if anyone would like me if they did know.
Sure I seem so put together on the outside. A mother of a beautiful little girl, a new bride to a great man, about to move into a new home and start a new life with my family. To everyone on the outside looking in I am living the dream. But they dont know... they dont know that I am terrified to mess up, scared that my feelings of inadaquecy will be proven right. Every step that I take, I second guess. I never feel as though I am good enough.. and the harder I push myself the more I feel I fall behind. I am a mess. A beautiful disaster floating around in a life that sometimes doesnt feel like my own.
There are times that I look in the mirror and expect to see a little girl in braids playing house. But instead I am faced with a woman struggling to find her own identity in the midst of all the roles she is playing. Some days everything is so easy, there is laughter and smiles and love that I can feel to my core. But then there are days where the things that I hold dearest to me are the things that I feel most distanced from. Days where the words I love you seem to fade into the silence like a mundane sentence about the weather, days where even in the arms of the man I have given my heart to, I still feel alone...
I wish that I could explain it. I wish that I knew why I feel the way I do. Sometimes I feel there must be something wrong with me. I am such an actress. Putting on a brave face day to day, pretending I have all the confidence in the world... meanwhile shivering inside waiting for everything I have worked so hard for to crumble around me. I know its wrong.. I know that no matter what happens in my life I have the best daughter in the world and a man that has sworn before his family and God to love me even in the worst of times. But with half of all marriages ending in divorce is it any wonder I worry?
I know that without Sean my life would mean so little. I would still have Savannah but I would have no one to share it all with. No one to laugh with and cry with and watch her grow up with. I want to believe that he will never leave me... that we will be the few percent that DO live happily ever after. How can my heart believe it so much... and yet have so many fears? Whatever the reason I do know ONE thing for certain... Sean must be nuts to have married someone so completely certifiable. But I love the man.
Thats all tonight folks... hope I entertained you for the 5 minutes it took to read this. And next time you look at the stars I hope that you will think of them the way we all did when we were 5 years old.. so big and bright and full of potential. Night everyone. =D
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