Giving up

There comes a time when I have to throw in the towel. That time is now. As much as I want this to work... and I do, BADLY, trust me. I cant keep letting myself get hurt. I cant stay in a relationship that is destroying my self esteem, my confidence, and my perceptions of myself. It is killing me. He is so back and forth and up and down that it is so unfair to me. He treats me like a stranger, like I am nothing to him. And then he turns around and tells me that he loves me and says I am beautiful.. and its breaking me in two. Because I just want us to be the way that we were before, when I could feel the love between us, when things were so good that I couldn't wait to see him because I knew that no matter what was going on he would always be happy to see me. Those days have been gone for a long time and I need to realize that what we once had, is no longer there. As much as it breaks my heart, I have to accept that. He no longer feels the same way about me, as much as I keep trying to hold on to how he used to act towards me and how he used to treat me, I cant change the fact that that's not how it is now. I am nothing to him. As much as he tries to say that I am, his actions prove that I am not. He doesn't care about me whatsoever, and I don't see that changing. If he really loved me, he would still be the same man that made me fall for him, made me feel like the only girl in the world, made me feel sexy and beautiful, made me laugh all the time, and was there for me whenever I wanted or needed him. But he is not that man anymore. I need to face reality. And reality is that this relationship is over. I have given him every chance to show me that he does care but it doesn't matter. Its over. But why can I not accept that? Why is it so hard for me to let it go?? Why do I have to love him so damn much. It is breaking my heart into a million pieces, its making me miserable... and yet I cant live without him. Why do I continue to do this to myself? I hate myself for falling in love again. I am never going to let that happen again. I will never again put myself in the position to be hurting like this again. Never. I will never let myself be at the mercy of a man again, I cant believe that I let it happen this time. Now when he leaves I will be destroyed, and Savannah will lose someone that she loves and cares about yet again, and it will be all my fault. I hate myself, I do not deserve to live.